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November 12, 2004

dear media 11.12.04

Dear Media:

I really, really want to thank you for your coverage of allegations of fixed elections.  It's been the most gripping two paragraphs ever.

Mostly I want to thank you for my peace of mind.  Before last week, I held the attitude that a massive and concerted effort to misdirect and alter the vote in a Federal election was inconceivable -- it would be un-American and beyond the realm of possibility.  But as reports of irregularities and accusations of fraud appeared, I began to doubt.  Could a political party be so brazen as to rig an election?

Thankfully, you, Media, are also unable to conceive of such a crime, and what doubts may have creeped into my mind were erased by your coverage.  And, really, you're right.  If a few allegations are disproved, why, then, every other allegation must also be specious, so why bother reporting them?  And if the preponderance of noise being made comes from what you like to call "blogs", then the fact that People For The American Way, the Green Party, the Libertarian Party and three sitting congressmen are calling for investigations also must go unreported.  And you're absolutely right when you excuse your lack of attention to the topic by claiming that what little tampering there might have been was surely not enough to change the result.

Seriously, your work hasn't been this sharp since your reporting of the Warren Commission.

So, thanks, Media, and keep it up.  Somewhere, Orwell is laughing.  Isn't it nice to make people happy?

Posted by mrbrent at 9:31 AM

November 11, 2004

it was the invisible terrorist robots

Further to my declaration of "not afraid to call you stupid" a few day ago, I'd like to propose that we lay to rest another hastily concocted (but tenacious!) myth.

Hasty?  Yeah, well, considering the election was conceded ten days ago, the unilateral decision that the election was decided by an angry and righteous tide of angry and righteous conservative Christians is about as hasty of a myth as they come.  The votes (still) aren't even counted, and already the GOP has spun the media into a flimsy narrative thread.

And I realize that there was this magical 22% of voters, 80% of whom voted for George Bush, who cited moral values as the motivating factor behind forestalling the tv watching by an hour or two in order to vote, but I'm not buying it.  According to some quick mathematical calculations, the "moral value" Bush-voters equal 17.6% of his 51%.  Maybe this is the 17.6% that pushed him over the top, but it's just as likely that this is the 17.6% of the electorate that would vote for Bush even if he set Tom Brokaw aflame and cackled during an interview.  So: "moral values" were the deciding factor?  Maybe, but I've seen the numbers, and the numbers suck.

And in the absense of a clear, simple phrase describing "why Kerry lost" -- or at least, clear and simple enough for the clear and simple electorate to keep in their clear and simple heads for more than one news cycle -- let's just agree that the reason why Kerry lost is this:


Clearly, were it not for vampires, clouding the minds of men and turning into bats, Kerry would've won the election.

I just hope the President spends his vampire capital wisely.

Posted by mrbrent at 6:05 PM

fuck who?

Unless you're talking about the more literal meaning, with some kind of orgy occuring on or about the Mason-Dixon Line, please, no more e-mails about that website about fucking the South.  It's very exciting when we cultural e-lite get all whipped up and Don Cheadle about something, but, really, this whole North-South antipathy thing grew tiresome about, ohh, 1865.

And, like Wonkette said: bourbon equals South.  Let's just stand this one down, k?

Posted by mrbrent at 10:46 AM

November 10, 2004

love the troops, hate the publicists

Even the Yahoo NewsBox labors under the intimidating shadow of an Administration with the people behind it:
• U.S. forces corner insurgents in Fallujah

Shouldn't the more accurate version read:

• U.S. forces corner the few insurgents dumb enough to remain in Fallujah after weeks of public troop buildup and generals saying on TV that they were fixin' to invade Fallujah and go get all the insurgents

We can at least be thankful that the phrase "freedom hatin'" was not included.

Posted by mrbrent at 3:44 PM

best pullquote ever

I know I don't like linking the New York Times, and not because I don't like the New York Times -- I do! very much! I'm the cultural elite! -- but rather because they make you register and then the link expires inna week.  So why waste time linking?

Well, because a certain reviewer reviewed a certain holiday blockbuster this morning.  One pull quote that could result from this review is "a grave and disappointing failure". 

That's pretty bad.

However, another pullquote could be "directly evokes Hitler's airborne scrotum".

Yeah, it's the best review ever.


Posted by mrbrent at 12:52 PM

November 9, 2004

big little question

W/r/t the outcome (as it stands) of last week's election, (and what isn't w/r/t the election these days) does anyone else get the feeling that those Big Business Interests that we like to (as they say) "decry" just won a pretty serious game of "let's you and him fight"?

That's some heavy thinkin, right there, that we'll have to return to.

Posted by mrbrent at 5:31 PM

best wisdom ever

I think that all our fears and frustrations are summed up pretty well by this, from an Ohio caller to one of them Air America radio programs:

"It makes you feel like an idiot for only voting once."


Posted by mrbrent at 4:24 PM

November 8, 2004

please don't feed the morons

Again, nothing substantial here, because I'm not quite back to thinking in complete paragraphs, but as I wade through this After-School Special of grief and remorse, I'm noticing an undercurrent that, quite frankly, disappoints me.

It goes something like this:

"People who voted for Bush are stupid!"

"Now, wait -- if you keep being mean to the Bush voters, then they'll never not vote for George Bush."

I'm all for protecting these poor people from their collosal ignorance -- which is the laughing stock of the free world -- but I would much rather make them less dumb than kiss their ass.  Manipulating an elctorate that is dumb like bricks for the purpose of consildating personal/party power may be fine for the GOP, but I would like to retain my super-power of being able to look at myself in the mirror every morning.  Whatever works for the soul-sucking jerks should not be what we aspire to.  Even though it works so well.  This is why the GOP is despicable, and we are frustrated.

Please, argue all you want that we shouldn't make fun of the electorate because it's not very nice.  It's not.  But "being nice" to 58 million morons isn't going to convince them that we're right.

And, really, I'm not making this stuff up, or trying to give 'em another excuse to claim themselves vicitms.  They are quantifiably so fucking stooooooopid, that it absolutely is a relevant point.  They fucking voted for the President because they thought that bin Ladan and Saddam Hussein had some underwater lair in Lake Michigan and were going to personally sexually assault every virgin Midwestern female unless the President was reelected.  That kind of stupid.  Not "he said 'nukular'" stupid.

Maybe the better word is misinformed.  Whichever.  It's kind of hard to campaign against that.

So, yeah, they're stupid, and I'm sorry I'm hurting their feeling.  Nyah.

Posted by mrbrent at 6:27 PM

smarter than us

[From our friend Kevan in the UK:]

Observing Post November 2nd America, it's beginning to resemble "Pottertown" in It's A Wonderful Life", the world WITHOUT Jimmy Stewart.  Watch how the neo-cons remake Bad Day at Black Rock where Spencer Tracey gets his interfering liberal ass kicked back onto the train from whence he came.  Whilst we're at it, Atticus Finch was obviously just some kind of Evolutionist sodomite.

Yeh, that's about it.

[Remember, everyone: a world where the one-armed ass-kickingness of Tracey in "Bad Day At Black Rock" is open to revision is a world run by petty, feckless men.  A/k/a "assclowns".]

Posted by mrbrent at 3:35 PM

brief note

I've been traveling for a few days, and I wish I could've taken you with me, but, you never asked.

Apparently, while I was gone, I missed an endless series of forwarded funny e-mail things, which tells me two things: first, you are all hopped up angry like a hornet's nest, and second, you are afraid to ever, ever leave your homes.

I know: once the Administration sees how furiously we're e-mailing, they will be rocked into a state of fear and dread -- and not just of subpeona, either.

Onward, November 8th!

Posted by mrbrent at 10:53 AM