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July 22, 2005

tip of the hat to my homey who hooked me on breslin in the first place

A small thinky piece in today's NYTimes about the reporter's room at the courthouse in Queens included a quote from Jimmy Breslin.  Everybody has that one icon that, for whatever reason, achieves untouchable status.  Mine is Jimmy Breslin.  Jimmy Breslin is a bad-ass motherfucker who knows his way around a sentence.

Gawker, New York's own little snark/gossip blog, takes a lot of shots at people.  I also take a lot of shots at people.  Nothing wrong with taking shots at people if you don't mind being called a cranky asshole every once in a while.

However, today Gawker took a shot at Breslin.  Something about him being old.  Guess what?  He is.  It's the side effect of managing not to die.  So, yeah, Gawker took a shot at Breslin -- something about "naps".  You know.  Hilarity ensues.

Jimmy Breslin is a better writer than me, and the editorial staff at Gawker and pretty much all of the amateur writey types on the Internets combined  If you're going to take a shot at Breslin, who is pretty good himself at taking shots (written, fistic and in a glass), do try to come up with something better than "naps", because, the whole "naps" thing?  It makes you look stupid, and dull.

Boy, T.G.I.F., huh?

Posted by mrbrent at 5:52 PM

i have to give a little back to myself

Yahoo! Headlines In The Same Place Thing -- a day late and a dollar short:
• Daylight-saving extension prompts outcry

Yeah, like on Wednesday.

Which means I can say, "Scooped!"

Which then means that I can also say, "Sucka!"

Posted by mrbrent at 11:30 AM

get your hands off my convenience!

Yesterday the New York Police Department had a "everyone look busy!" moment as they announced that they would begin random inspections of bus/subway/train passengers.  Already, the whining is deafening.

Not that I have an issue with this security measure, I mean this rights violation, I mean this security measure, because, well, it's just not so clear cut.  Obviously security professionals need to do their jobs (if only to calm panicky Midwestern-types), but, on the other hand, cops shouldn't get a free pass to search for the brick of marijuana carried by each and every New Yorker under the age of 30.

(Though I must admit it seems a little doofy in a fear-mongering way -- not a real effective use of NYPD overtime.)

But mostly I don't like the whining about it.  "He looked through my bag, just like I was a common terrorist!"  "How can they do that, here, in America?"  Thanks for sharing, but whining about it undercuts whatever argument you're trying to make.  Face it -- there's nothing that someone whining about having their knapsack looked at for ten seconds deserves more than having their knapsack looked at for ten seconds.

Yes, it's true: I'm taking a courageous and groundbreaking stand against whining!

Also, I'd like to announce that visitors to my home or office will be subject to random inspections for booze, expolsives and "are those things real" (always by a member of the same gender, of course -- we are not savages).  Booze will be subject to consumption, explosives will be subject to asploding and you can do with those things what you will.

Posted by mrbrent at 10:52 AM

July 21, 2005

predictable

This is the part of the month where I remind you to read Matt Taibbi's column in New York Press.  If you live in the New York City area, you can actually pick a New York Press up (they're not very heavy! only 18 pages!) and read it there.

Taibbi's columns generally swim upstream and hit a few points that live outside the internets echo box.  For example, the topic of this week is how Karl Rove's fall from grace was enabled by a series of loving features written by writers smitten with Rove's evil genius charm.

Remember Karl Rove?  Wasn't he president of the NHL or something?

Posted by mrbrent at 9:55 AM

July 20, 2005

they're legislating our clocks!

Weird.  This is a story that I hadn't heard about.

According to some Canadian newspaper, shadowy elements in the US government (Congress) are moving to extend Daylight Savings Time.

It's a conservative scheme to trick our clocks into waking us up while it's still dark, I tell you!

Actually, extending Daylight Savings Time was Plan B.  Plan A was to launch hundreds of enormous electromagnets into geosynchronous orbit, and then nudge the poles of the planet to the left by about six degrees, thus moving the equator and ensuring that the United States would become a nation of gratuitious daylight!  Bwoooo ha ha ha ha ha!

No, really.

[Via Sploid]

Posted by mrbrent at 1:36 PM

take that, america haters!

Yahoo! Headline Box triumphalism looms this afternoon:
• Army cites drop in suicides among soldiers

It's great to see that the American Exceptionalists have something to crow about.

U-S-A!  U-S-A!

Posted by mrbrent at 1:04 PM

July 19, 2005

explain not the laws of nature to yahoo!

Yahoo! panders the paranormal, for our express infotainment.  Hot from the Yahoo! Headline Container:
• Emily's outer bands cause tides in Texas

Because in Texas, as you know, nothing, not even the sun and the moon, can cause the sea level of the Gulf of Mexico to ebb and flow.

Until that bitch-goddess Emily.

Posted by mrbrent at 6:53 PM

no i want to be a hilton for you

Today's big news is that, later, there will be big news.  The White House has announced that, at 9pm tonight, the President will announce his nominee for the vacancy in the Supreme Court caused by the retirement of Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.

I know speculation is that Bush will nominate a woman, but I think he should nominate an Irish woman, for the purposes of verisimilitude, and jokes.

Also, most interesting thing about this non-story story ("Admin Announces News To Break in Eight Hours!") is this sentence:

White House press secretary Scott McClellan said the Bush administration was asking television outlets to broadcast the speech live.

This must be a very special speech to require live, network coverage.  Progressive types (and Reuters, for that matter) have suggested that the announcement is being timed to deflect attention to the Karl Rove Octopus story, as it is a well-known fact that the press corps can only follow one story at a time.  Requesting live television coverage would seem to lend credence to that claim, though I'm sure the Administration could give two shits that we have penetrated their masterful scheme -- all they care about is that Karl Rove weirdly bloated face is never simultaneously on the covers of Newsweek and Time again.  They would request live network coverage of the President slowly eating a yummy sandwich if they thought it would push Rove off the front page.

In my little fantasy world, not only would I be wealthier than human imagination and a good cook, but also the networks would politely decline to carry tonight's speech, and then Bush could work his rhetorical magic exclusively on Fox News' million or so knuckledraggers.

But, my fantasy world does not exist, so we'll just have to wait and see what the Most Important Supreme Court Nomination Ever will hold.

(I just hope it's backdropped by something appropriate and cool, like the parading Red Army, or maybe a big luau.)

Posted by mrbrent at 1:52 PM

*really* burning man

Yet again I miss all the fun.  Last week, some committed fringe/geek types (face it - they are our Royal Society circa late 17th Century) gathered in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada for Simnuke, which was a little event commerating the 60th anniversary of the Trinity A-bomb test.  They built a gasoline/biodiesel bomb and blew it all up -- much smaller than a real nuke, of course, but producing the same signature shroom cloud.  Many details, along with armfulls of sourcelinks, are here, in Xeni Jardin's post at Boing Boing.

Weird to say, but after reading up on the event, it seems about as a chill and rewarding experience as any contemplation of nuke proliferation can be, considering that even thinking about the four letters that comprise the word "NUKE" get me all pulse-racing and night-sweaty.

Of course, the fact that the Black Rock Desert plus asplosions equals good things is no secret, no, not for a while now.

Posted by mrbrent at 10:45 AM

July 18, 2005

this is a VIR proof

Today President Bush clarified his position on his job performance standards.

I am predicting that Bush will address the issue at least three more times.  Soon, Bush will remind America that he will not renew the contract of any official who committed a crime.

Next he will announce, "As I've said many times before, I will not renew the contract of any official with at least four years' experience who committed a crime."

And his final word on the issue will be that, at the risk of repeating himself, he will not renew the contract of any official with at least four years' experience who wielded an unregistered firearm in the commission of a crime.

No one can run faster than the president's goalposts!

Posted by mrbrent at 12:49 PM

we are together in our bad character

In this age of strife and division, we need something to bring us, the people of America, together.  Thankfully, Mother Nature has provided, for, is there anything more universal among us than whining about the weather?

Truly, in whining, we are all one.  Whether its the perpetual hurricane state of the Gulf of Mexico, or the droughts of the West, or even the tropical humidity of the Northeast, the airwaves, the internets, the water coolers and the dinner tables are abuzz with whining.

Fortunately for us, it is only through whining that we may finally change the weather.

So, keep up the good work, America.

[Note: So, does this satyric buncha words count as whining about the apocalyptic uncomfortability with the on ehundred fifteen percent humidity that blankets New York City at the time of writing?  You bet your bippy it it does.]

Posted by mrbrent at 10:41 AM