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February 11, 2006

you will hate me if you click

This is just the most bizarre thing ever.  A friend of mine brought to my attention this episode that sounded like an implausible "Sex In The City" plotline -- self-obsessed blogger announces she's preggers, then announces hours later that she was a while ago, but no longer.

I was all like, "Nuh uh."

Uh huh.

Posted by mrbrent at 10:27 AM

February 10, 2006

george deutsch, you are a crybaby

Dang it if I'm not a day late and yet another dollar short.  I meant to post this week about this kid who was appointed to NASA by the Administration who was limiting access to scientists who spoke of global warming and trying to ID references to the Big Bang on websites.  He quit after it was revealed that he lied on his resume.

I meant to write something like, "How long before this lying, water-carrying liar pokes his head out the bunker and claims that he's a victim?"

Apparently, the answer to that question is about two days.

Hey, George Deutsch, boo hoo, right?  Those stupid mean old bloggers, catching you in lying.  Enjoy your fifteen minutes of assholery.

Posted by mrbrent at 4:58 PM

guilty as charged

Let's try this.  I seem to recall that, during certain episodes, people who tend to agree with me are accused of being so blinded with hatred of the President that we root for him to fail, for bad things to happen on his watch.  That we are bad people, immoral people, for delighting in the President's fuck-ups.

It goes without saying that the kind of people who level these charges are the kind of people who are great supporters of President Bush.

Well, supporters of President Bush (or, "fatheads", with a tip of the hat to Mark McKinney), you're right and you're wrong.

You are correct indeed that every Presidential trip-and-fall brings a smile to my face.  Come on, it's funny!  It's America's Funniest Home Videos funny!  The President has lost fights with both a Segway and a pretzel.  It makes Gerald Ford look graceful.  All that's left is for some Presidential grand-nephew to hit him in the Presidential jewels with a wiffle bat.

But that's not fair -- fatheads probably laugh at that too.  People falling down is universally funny.  But what about policy trip-and-falls?  What about the indictments?  What about the poorly planned, rationalized and executed invasion of Iraq?  What about the utter failure of the President to protect the nation from weather?  Well, you're correct again.  Every fuck-up tickles me so that I do a little softshoe at my desk.  Sorry, fatheads, you get to derive satisfaction from the breakneck bankruptcy of the country's economy and everything good about it, and I get to derive satisfaction when you fatheads are foiled, hoisted by your own petard, tripped up over your own dick.  I get to smile myself to sleep every night knowing that the only thing that will bring you down faster than the opposition of good people is your own corruption, greed and incompetency.  So, please, keep up the good work.

But where you are wrong is that the happy feeling I get is because of the consequences of the fuck-up that cheers me.  That I am cheered that new Orleans got wiped off the map, that the fact that all we got to show from the Iraq war is a couple hundred thousand new jihadists and a buncha dead Americans brings me joy.  That would be wrong.  You could even call it "specious".  As incredible as it may sound, I can separate an event from its implications.  The event breaks my heart, while the cleansing sunlight of the implications of an administration as morally repugnant as it is ineffective and as it is unwilling to accept responsibility makes me happy only in my hopes that there is a point where the luminosity of the administration's evils will sway even the fatheads, who I would like to stop calling fatheads some day, would they give up on openly rooting for our self-destruction.  So, yes, the events themselves are not cheering at all, no, no, and I wish that the scorn aimed at me and the like-minded would instead be aimed at the authors of the event.

All of this is just a long-winded, self-important, straw-man way to say this: between Scooter Libby flipping and Michael Brown biting the hand that feeds, I have enjoyed today's news very much.  So, yeah, in your face, fatheads.

Posted by mrbrent at 12:37 PM

February 9, 2006

okay, so, cartoon president

Earlier this morning, I saw mention that the President was going to give a speech on terrorism.  Hardly believing my eyes, I read further.  But it was true; instead one of his usual speeches on the progress of Katrina reconstruction or the continuing successes in Iraq or the extravagant care lavished on our returning veterans, the President was going to talk about terrorism.

Terrorism!

And further to that, he was going to detail a foiled plat from 2002, which should really make us sit up and bark for more.

Hours later, after the speech had been given, the Yahoo! Headline Box was silent on the speech, and if a story can't break the Yahoo! Headline Box, then it basically didn't happen.

So I went looking for it, and found it here, on the Beeb, natch.  Here's the first two paragraphs:

US President George W Bush has detailed what he said was a foiled al-Qaeda plot to fly a commercial airliner into the tallest building on the US west coast.

Mr Bush said the plotters, detailed in 2002, planned to use shoe bombs to storm the plane cockpit.

I'd like to congratulate the President for deciding now, when his popularity is surging, to treat a policy speech like an episode of "Cops" and let us in on the nitty gritty.  Sadly, if he's looking to either scare us or manipulate us into some kind of congratulatory liking him, there's a whole lot of asses I recommend he should kiss.

First of all, saying "the tallest building on the West Coast" is like saying "the deadliest Girl Scout alive".  No one likes to see a building knocked over -- not even those teeny little ones in Los Angeles -- but I'm supposed to be impressed?  Why not claim to foil a suicide bomber in a Wal-Mart, or a drunken driver headed for a McDonalds?  That would scare some folk.

Additionally, for maximum scare tactics, try not to strain credulity.  For, if you do strain credulity, it's quite possible someone might try to use shoe bombs to storm your cockpit.

Well, I'm not scared -- which is odd for me, a coward at heart.

Again, please, you foolish, foolish President.

[LATER THAT DAY: So, within minutes of writing this, the Yahoo! Regularly-Shaped Headline Aggregator put up the hed, at the very top.  So my assertions of the speech receiving little attention were premature.  Nevertheless, I hope the the counselors are on their way to the men and women who work in the teeny LA building, as well as on their way to the great lumpen land-locked proletariat who get a serious case of the howling fantods everytime a) the President says, "Turrsm", and b) they see a guy in a turban.]

Posted by mrbrent at 11:59 AM

a couple of things, actually

The Grammys are over.  Or safe from Sly Stone, I should say.

I just thought half a second about putting the circle-r trademark symbol behind the word Grammy, as is done by the press in general, as I so strongly believe that the mark "Grammy" should be protected from predatory competing music awards ceremonies -- in fact, if you say the word "gramophone", the check better be in the God-damn mail.

Not to lose track, but I just now realized while typing that the reason I've been capitalizing the "g" in God for all these years is not because I was taught to, but rather because I don't want those crazy Christians to get whipped up by Saudi Arabia into burning down my embassies.  Er, I mean Syria and Iran, of course, because I love America.

Actually, to synthesize all this discoursive looping, based on the coverage I've seen this morning of the USPTO-protected Grammys, perhaps someone should ask the real important question about the Muslim protests over the Danish cartoons, the question no one else is asking:

Who had the sexier dress?  Condi Rice or the King of Jordan?

Posted by mrbrent at 10:13 AM

February 8, 2006

reinforcing racist stereotypes along with the rest of america

After Monk, more Yahoo! Headline Box goodness:
• Sly Stone could steal show at Grammys

Naturally, the LAPD are doing everything in their power to unsure that this does not happen.  Failing that, they plan on recovering the show at their earliest opportunity and return it to its rightful owner, Mariah Carey.

Nope, won't be watchin'.

Posted by mrbrent at 5:00 PM

goodbye, harry siegel

Finally, some good news.  The Danish cartoon violence affair (yes, the Acme jokes are funny, yes) has finally hit close to home -- and saved New York from one of the worst editorial staffs since that of "Liberality For All".

Harry Siegel and his crew have taken a powder over the refusal by the publishers of their paper, the once-proud New York Press, to run the Danish cartoons in question, which brings a short end to a very awful regime.

Chances are you weren't reading the NYPress.  To fill you it, it's current iteration had all the well-wrought sentences and gonzo bad-boy balls of your local Weekly Shopper.  Most obnoxous were the notes from the EIC, Harry Siegel, who would bloviate on his editorial aspirations, with one hand down Rudy Giuliani's flat-front pants and the other trying to pick a fight with former editor-in-chief Jeff Koyen, whose shoes Siegel had a hard time filling.  So hard, in fact, that he ankled at the first self-righteous opportunity.  Because, surely, if we New Yorkers do not see these Danish cartoons (so freely available over the Internets), why, then, the terrorists have won.

Siegel jumping is kind of like the act of dumping a girl once you've figured she's planning to dump you -- preemptive and convenient.  Nice job, guys: face saved!  Enjoy your fifteen minutes on Fox News!

[Disclosure: NYPress writers CJ Sullivan and Jim Knipfel are both known unto me and talented writers, and I enjoy the work of Azi Paybarah, who quit with Seigel, very much.]

Posted by mrbrent at 12:11 PM

February 7, 2006

why let the hippies have all the fun

The Yahoo! Box of Headlines with the breaking news:
• States eye picketing at soldiers' funerals

The only explanation given as to why states would give an eye to protesting at soldier's funerals, "a couple beers and a wild hair up the ass".  I guess the states never liked those soldiers anyway.

Wait, no, that's not right.  Actually, the story is about states considering limiting the protests of third parties at the funerals of soldiers.  Which of course sounds repressive, and therefore inherently American.

So I guess it was actually the Yahoo! headline-writer who had the beer and the ass-hair.

Posted by mrbrent at 8:39 AM

February 6, 2006

mohammed cartoons over here

So I was pretty meticulous about avoiding inserting cartoons of Mohammed into any posts.  You know, I really don't need the hassle of my embassies getting torched.  So, yeah, I'm exercising my freedom of speech by opting not to -- I could if I wanted, mind you, but I'm a reasonable guy.

Not like this dude.  He is a bad ass.  He gonna draw pictures of all your gods, bitch.

Not me.  I keep my graven images and my false idols to myself, thanks.

Posted by mrbrent at 1:06 PM

doncha hate it

Man.  You know how sometimes you accidentally type in your site's URL instead of your site's menu's URL and you notice that all the text, all of it, is in boldface, or italics, or some other glaring error?

Dude, I just hate that.  It's like having chicken stuck in your teeth, or the tags still on the new shirt you're wearing.  Or not wearing your pants to school.

Brrr.

Posted by mrbrent at 1:03 PM

February 5, 2006

no muhommed cartoons over here, no

You'd think that I'd have a lot to say about the riots of the faithful over the Danish cartoons.  I do not.  As much of my life I've spent consuming sequential art, this is not the way I like to think of cartoons changing the world.  (No, I do not think that cartoons will change the world.)  It's just a generally fucked up situation all around.

Interesting is a general amount of squeamishness I've noticed over confronting this kind of religious mania -- while I in no way want to condemn a faith or its adherents, I do find mob violence in the name of the Creator a bit baffling.  Though this is an excellent opportunity to ponder the delicate ways that religions interact with evolving societies.  Yes, this means you, conservative Christians.

And before you give over to some generalization about Islamists in general, give this explanation of events a read, and then pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Posted by mrbrent at 2:09 PM