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April 28, 2006

yes, 'rip' can be a dangerous verb

The Yahoo! Container of Headlines is just screwin' wit ya:
• Katrina report rips the White House anew

Yeah, like "anew" is a word.

Or perhaps I should say, "A new what?"

Posted by mrbrent at 1:10 AM

April 27, 2006

celebrity seeks freakin bargain

Yeah, we're all familiar with the demands of the modern celebrity assistant.  Mostly thanks to the "Inside Baseball" nature of the entertainment industry, plus also The Smoking Gun.

But this example of celebrity assistant irrational exuberance (in the form of a Craigslist help wanted post) goes the extra mile.  It's not so much the list of ridiculous job description items (24 hour access, check, walk celeb twice a day, check, pre-chew celeb's food, check) that astonishes -- we've all seen that.  We're all insiders now; we know how things, celebrities included, work.  We are all of us smarty-pants.

What shocked me was the proposed salary:

$500 TO $700 PER WEEK NET DEPENDING ON EXPERIENCE.

So, basically, this job is a real step up if you're a lead bookseller at B&N, or a groundskeeper at the local country club.  Or maybe some trustafarian with Asperger's Syndrome to whom a salary is not a thing one wrings the rent out of.

Who's the celebrity?  Scrooge McDuck?

Posted by mrbrent at 11:05 AM

sidewalks come with instructions?

This morning I walked past a little construction.  Looked like they were pouring a new sidewalk, next to some schmanky new place on the west side of Manhattan that looks like a jello mold melted in the sun.  The fun part was that the foreman -- the dude in the construction hat and clean chinos -- was kneeling on the edge of the pit-soon-to-be-sidewalk, thumbing through an austere looking little booklet, pastel cover with sober typeset.  The portion of the title of the booklet visibile to me was "[Something something] Specifications and Construction [Something]".

Foreman dude was reading the instruction manual.

I guess it's harsh to make fun of someone trying to do his job, but if you don't know how to pour a sidewalk, maybe you should step aside and let someone who does do it.  I'm gonna have to walk on that shit.

[Note: this uninteresting moment of my life is intended to be evocative of a certain headline of day's news.  Can you guess which one?]

Posted by mrbrent at 9:45 AM

April 26, 2006

tony snow

I leave it to the thundering herd to harrumph the new Press Secretary.  Yes, the smoky web of conspiracy between Fox News and the Bush Administration is now revealed.  Tony Snow jokes: go!

For me the more interesting fact about the new Press Secretary is not that he is a former talking head of the "fair and balanced" variety -- it is rather that Tony Snow has no colon.

You think David Gregory has enough gumption to get all follow-up with a man without a colon?  You think Helen Thomas will be able to engage her formidable wit against a man without a colon?

The Bush Administration has again outthunk us all, every one.

Posted by mrbrent at 11:22 AM

take that, blind

This is the world we live in now.  So I'm filling out an "allowed sender" form for some spam blocker program this morning.  Bad enough that this old friend of mine forgot to tell her robot that my e-mails were copacetic spam-wise.  We're all getting older; we forget things.  No, the kicker was when you got to the bottom of the form, right below the "Enter the text you see below in the box to its right" randomly generated jpeg.  Right below this picture of squiggly numbers/letters, which is supposed to foil other robots, I guess, is this:
Visually impaired?  Click here.

No, I'm not astounded at the incongruity of asking a visually impaired person to click something that they assumedly cannot see.  They have pagereaders and other kinds of robots now to help the visually impaired to surf web.

I'm just not so sure if I'm happy living in a world in which we so coddle the blind.  Aren't dogs and white tappy sticks enough?

What about those of us with stomach flus, whose friends forget to warn their robots about?

Posted by mrbrent at 10:13 AM

April 25, 2006

in my stomach is where i feel it

I am home with the stomach flu.  You are glad that I am not liveblogging it.

So, yeah, the President's oil speech today?  What do I think of it?  I think that I have the stomach flu.

Which is probably what I would have thought about it in any event.

Hopefully more fun things will happen today, like Presidential oil mendacities, and stomach flus.

Posted by mrbrent at 12:38 PM

April 24, 2006

the court finds that you are not a martyr

Here's a Yahoo! Box of Headlines headline that is not as funny as I think:
• Defense asks to deny Moussaoui martyrdom

I only post this in the hopes that the jury will (bewilderingly, given good old American bloodthirst) decide not to sanction the murder of Moussaoui, and then I can use my own headline:

Martyrdom denied!

Then I can use it as my annoying little Macro until my friends and family make me stop.  Like this.

"Hey, you you get out to see 'Brokeback Mountain'?"

"Martydom denied!"

"Dude."

Posted by mrbrent at 12:37 PM

April 23, 2006

i just vomited a little bit, in your mouth

It's official.  The phrase "I just vomited a little bit in my mouth" has now been invoked exactly one too many times.

I know everyone worked very hard to spread this little lingual virus.  Great job.  And now you can stop, and smile, and pat each other on the back.

I know, you had a lot of fun, saying, "I just vomited a little bit in my mouth."  You probably got a chuckle, or at least a wince.  But you know that feeling you get, when you see a bumper sticker on some asshole's car that says "GIT-R-DONE!"?

Well, when you say, "I just vomited a little bit in my mouth," the asshole is you.

Posted by mrbrent at 5:18 PM