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November 29, 2006
somebody gonna slap the taste out of a certain president's mouth
I liked Jim Webb from the git-go. I've always had an affinity for retired military who turn to book-writing. I don't know why. You take a bad-ass, and then you add Man of Letters to his c.v., and then all of a sudden you have the baddest bad-ass evah.Which is I guess what Senator Webb is -- please refer to his recent strong play for Greatest Senator of All Time.
Looks like Senator Webb came to Washington for two things, and he's all out of one of them. And now, an anxious but grateful nation is daydreaming feverishly.
Posted by mrbrent at 10:58 AM
November 28, 2006
by any other name
We've been having some pretty lengthy discussions around here, but we've finally come to a decision. We are finally going to stop referring to the American occupation of Iraq as a "civil war".From now on, we will refer to the situation in Iraq as a "really fun party with soda pop and cake, which the Administration is in no way responsible for".
We are internally referring to this decision as our "Walter Cronkite moment", so hopefully we will be invited onto a talkshow soon. The Megan Mullally Show would be super.
Posted by mrbrent at 12:06 PM
November 27, 2006
on the slow days, there is always a headline somewhere
I saw this little headline, and boy howdy did I flip my wig! (That's right, "!")• New program to certify toys as 'asthma friendly'
Now who in their right mind give asthma a gol-darn toy?
And don't get me started on them AIDS Walks, neither!
(I will file this poor, poor stab at entertaining you, the reader, under, "Metonymy, And How It Cannot Carry A Punchline")
Posted by mrbrent at 03:39 PM
useless commodification is worth fighting over
I thought I was watching too much TV, and I still hadn't seen this. Apparently some cellular phone service provider has an advert running that somehow directly references the motion picture "A Christmas Story". I learned this by reading the Business Section of the New York Times. I also learned that this advert is fully licensed; both the studio and the Jean Shepherd estate have agreed to this and have accepted their truckfuls of cash.Someday the last cherished memory, the last good thing, will have been commodified -- dragged out into the public square and cut up into little pieces and affixed with price tags. It is the price you pay for liking something, they will say, that it will be turned crass and vulgar and profitable by people you despise. I am warning you now of this someday, so that you may prepare your torches and pitchforks.
Of course, the (an?) irony is that the qualities of "A Christmas Story" that made it so appealing -- it's lack of guile, the fact that it only began to be shoved down one's throat recently -- are the same qualities that make it's appropriation in a TV commercial feel a little bit rape-y.
So, unnamed cellular phone service provider, anonymous ad agency -- fuck all y'all. And that is a very sincere "fuck you", from the depths of my tiny little heart.
Posted by mrbrent at 09:54 AM
November 24, 2006
black friday is safe for another year
I was going to take a longish swipe at "Black Friday". About how it's hyperbolically named, etc. But I didn't. I guess it'll have to wait until next year.So until then, keep shopping when they tell you, America! Leave no Big Box unturned! Remember: there is no right more inviolate than the American right to give your money to organizations that want to see you docile and nearly impoverished, and if anyone tells you different, they are a Trotskyite. (Whatever that used to be -- think, 'Islamic fascist').
The more you spend, the more patriotic Joe Lieberman will say you are, jowl-ly.
Posted by mrbrent at 08:08 PM
November 23, 2006
turkeys are safe from me today
By now the turkey is kicking in. Watch now the American game of Professional Football, please, unless you hate America, in which case you probably entertained the table with stories of how the Pilgrams and the Indians weren't exactly hunting turkeys at the time of the First Thanksgiving.Which is what I would have done, had I a turkey, or a table, and I definitely would have landed somewhere around "cholera-ridden blankets". That's what makes America great -- the moral rectitude to proudly ignore a national origin built on genocide.
Here is what I am thankful for: the abundance of lists of things people are thankful for. Even the sincere ones. It is most useful to make lists, especially if you are only capable of giving thanks once a year.
But if I have to be thankful, in this venue, for one thing then I will say that I am thankful for you, because you are by far the most attractive and generous readership that could be wished for.
Now I go read Mallard Fillmore and see what that crazy ACLU is up to now!
Posted by mrbrent at 04:51 PM
November 22, 2006
hello you mid-atlantic suburbs
I'm back out of town. So burglars -- go get me. Everything of value there is either with me or booby-trapped, so, do you feel lucky, etc.?This trip has taken me to a couple-day stand in a Holiday Inn in a suburb of Bawlmer, along with a wife and a little dog. I'm doing a lot of reading (which I apparently had stopped doing years ago, as I feel the instasnark drain happily out of me), though I am getting out into the world of chain restaurants and shopping plazas, so feel sorry for me at will.
I have a long litany of complaints and observations about life out here, but they can all be filed under "City Mouse Patronizes Suburb Mouse", which is a meme as ubiquitous as it is boring. I'm sure that some dude my age that lives out here -- big house, ouple kids, manages a successful Hollywood Video -- would find public transportation and mom-and-pop kabob joints as stultifying as I find the American Music Awards. There is equality even among inequities, after a fashion.
So, shorthand: Glenn Beck is a Father Coughlin for our age, traffic is not just a problem in the Megalopolis and "organic" is being leveraged as just another clever brand by the agro-industrial complex.
Also, on the sausage biscuits and gravy front, I broke down and went to Bob Evans for breakfast. I will call their sausage biscuits and gravy a "comforting fake", though sadly better than the three unnamed local spots whose sausage biscuits and gravy I sampled in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. And to make myself better for giving my money to whatever multinational bought Bob Evans name, I stole a biscuit for later.
So, prepare to initiate Giving-Thanks Protocol tomorrow, you all. Biscuit for later!
Posted by mrbrent at 05:24 PM
November 20, 2006
i am not humbug
A half hour ago, I was in the supermarket. I stop there sometimes, on the way to work. The Musak that normally plays was not playing. Instead, the in-house PA system was tuned to whatever radio station is playing Christmas songs 24-7.Today is November 20.
Not for nothing, supermarket/radio station, but I really don't want to get into the whole Christmas spirit until some time after I've roasted the T-Day bird. Kind of in the same way that I've taken down the Columbus Day decorations in my office, and that I haven't sent out a Valentine in, why, it must be six months now! So please find a way to make your filthy money in a way that makes me hate you less.
Nothing Scrooge-y about my sentiments. I love Christmas. I fell for it hard as a kid, and as I got older, I fell harder for its trappings. But you rip these things out of their context, and it's hard to not feel you're in an episode of The Simpsons.
Or maybe I've just crossed that generational rift after which all current culture seems to isolate and propagate the vulgarities of the previous iterations.
Today I am cranky grampaboy.
Posted by mrbrent at 09:30 AM
November 17, 2006
you did *what* to jesus?
I didn't think it was possible to have a favorite concession speech. Santorum and Allen were both creepily cordial; Burns was cordially creepy. But now I have read my favorite concession speech, and I know that I have a favorite concession speech.
This right here is the concession speech e-mail of Rae Hart Anderson, ceding the 50th District of the State Senate of Minnesota to Satveer Chaudhary.
A line at random:
Take some time to get acquainted with this power-filled Jesus...
Aw man, that's some good cuckoo.
Posted by mrbrent at 04:04 PM
if the glove fits stfu
Today is a day that I am eagerly awaiting. Because today I am going to devote my valuable surfing moments to one thing and one thing only: reading what people think about O.J. Simpson.Because, really, about what could I care more than what people think about O.J. Simpson?
I know that America will not let me down.
Posted by mrbrent at 11:11 AM
November 16, 2006
glenn beck
I've thought for a while this dude was one of the dumber dudes out there. His name is Glenn Beck. He was some radio talkshow host plucked from obscurity to host a television program for them. My bad feelings towards him began when CNN ran a radio campaign with Beck speaking, sounding like an idiot nephew of Andy Rooney ("And what is it with the Congress, anyway?"), and bragging that he was not afraid to be politically incorrect, which is a very brave notion for 1993.Beck was interviewing Representative-Elect Keith Ellison, a Democrat from Minnesota. Ellison is also the first Muslim to serve in the Congress. Beck puts his best foot forward:
And I have to tell you, I have been nervous about this interview with you, because what I feel like saying is, "Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies." And I know you're not. I'm not accusing you of being an enemy, but that's the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way.
While the tactic of hiding behind "what I feel like saying" is fascinating in its wussiness, it really doesn't take anything away from the glaring xenophobia of a man who is not so smart. And yes, there is the obligatory "And I like Muslims! I've been to mosques!" prefacing the hate.
Of course, you might have already seen this linked up. For that reason, I give you an extra special bonus idiocy from the mouth of Glenn Beck:
You come from a district that is heavily immigrant with Somalians, and I think it`s wonderful, honestly.
I look forward to bringing you more Glenn Beck in the future. He is my new favorite doughy white guy straw man pinata. And I think a lot of Americans feel that way.
Posted by mrbrent at 11:44 AM
November 15, 2006
fair and balanced is the obvious punchline, yes
This link is making the rounds, so let me also throw my hat on the chopping block. If you click over to here, you will see an internal Fox News memo obtained by the Huffington Post from last week. it contains the directive to search for video of terrorists celebrating the Democratic election gains.True, you have to be pretty naive to get your grits all scrambled over Fox News carrying some bias in their coverage. Sky is blue, water is wet, etc. But, in the same breath, a smoking gun of a network, licensed to be carried on the public airwaves by the FCC, attempting to manufacture news ("be on the lookout for...") is pretty significant, as far as things like "betrayal of the public trust" go.
I never went to J-school, but I'm pretty sure that planting news flies in the face of every ethical constraint a journalist has, unless you're trying to start the Spanish-American War or something.
Where is the straw man to defend this? I feel punchy this morning.
Posted by mrbrent at 12:05 PM
November 14, 2006
i can stop whupping on headlines any time i want
Hey look, a headline! Sometimes, I see one and I'm taken back to the days when I played tee ball.• Study: Safety gear may not fully protect young athletes' hearts
For what helmet or faceguard can withstand the power of love?
Posted by mrbrent at 09:04 AM
November 13, 2006
iraq study group
This may be needlessly snarky. It seems our national appetite for snark is on the wane, so, forgive me in advance. But couldn't someone have thought of a better name than the Iraq Study Group?True, it is refreshingly free of Orwellian doublespeak -- no obvious lies are contained therein, like in "No Child Left Behind", or "Clear Skies Initiative", which are concerned with, respectively, leaving children behind and unclearing skies. The Iraq Study Group is in fact a bipartisanish group devoted to studying the situation in Iraq. Obviously, somebody blinked.
But at the same time, it comes off like some ad hoc high school club, a bunch of well-meaning upperclassmen getting together afters chool to pad their extra-curriculars for eventual Ivy applications. If this is truly the white horse riding in to salvage our ineffective occupation of Iraq, shouldn't the name be a little brighter? Like maybe, the "Persian Leadership Council", or "The Western Asia Commission"? Or maybe even something catchy, like, "Splenda".
Just to take the frump out, so to speak. I just hate to think that anyone would have any hopes and dreams pinned on something so joylessly named.
Though it wouldn't have been a half-bad name for a band.
Posted by mrbrent at 10:36 AM
November 11, 2006
sean delonas is still not very good
I could never get tired of writing about how bad Sean Delonas is. In fact, I can't even remember if I've posted twice or only once about him, and I forget the metaphors I employed.So, to prevent repeating myself (of which I am frequently accused by a certain wife), let's just say that Sean Delonas continues to define "funny" from the bottom up.
Posted by mrbrent at 01:04 PM
something must suck somewhere
Sure, I'm quiet about the outcome of the elections last Tuesday. Two reasons.First of all, I was raised to hold modesty as a virtue. Yes, there is a lot to be happy about, and I am happy about those things, but my back-patting arm is getting sore these days (carpal tunnel?), so I'm going to save it for more important things, like passed legislation and served subpoenae.
Second of all, I am unaccustomed to things going right. The last few days conversations have been very halting. "How bout that election?" "It rocked." "Yep." "Mmm-hmm." Tumbleweed. But fortunately, a few things went wrong. Tennessee rewarded a race-baiting campaign with a victory, which sucks balls. I can get my dander up about that. Also, Mean Jean Schmidt was not job-discontinued, which kind of sucks, but is offset by the fact that, now that Katherine Harris will be removed from C-SPAN, Mean Jean may now be the batshittiest Rep in the House.
Also, I'd like to throw a brief shout out to Baltimore's Midtown Yacht Club, who kindly fed us and switched the TVs to election coverage on Tuesday night. Based on results, expect me in November of 2008.
Posted by mrbrent at 12:36 PM
November 06, 2006
away from desk
I'm away from my desk in fabulous Charm City. People never believe me when I tell them that I'm fond of Baltimore (especially considering that I'm rarely here for good reasons), but it is true. I am one of the few young fellas that enjoy Baltimore whose surname is not Smith.The Internets connection is choppy, so I've spent about a hunnert fewer hours today following the news. Which saddens me. But, on the bright side, when you are outside of New York City, pretty much every advertising second on the television and the radio is devoted to political ads, which makes you feel like elections are the most impotant thing in the world everywhere but the five boroughs.
And even better -- ain't none of them nice. It's all half votes-with-Bush and the other half will-raise-your-taxes. I think a couple resorted to bare knuckle ad hominem ("Neaderthal!" "Queer-lover!"), but they all blended together and I wasn't exactly taking notes.
As tonight is Election Eve, I did spend a half hour surveying the GOP's vote suppression and race baiting, as I'm sure you have all afternoon. As I am no professional blogger, I just pick one that is my favorite. It is this one. If you are click-averse, it is a big image of an startled white lady's face with a black man's hand covering her mouth. The text goes, "Family values are under attack..." Yeah, as is your niece, evidently. And no, this is not from the South (where such subtleties are expected) -- it is from Westchester, the 19th Congressional District of New York. I don't know if you've been to Westchester before, but it's not exactly a place where George Allen (R-VA) would have a problem with anyone not "knowing their place".
I'm sure you have your own favorite atrocity. This is why we all mess with the amateur publishing gig.
Remember to vote tomorrow -- you don't vote, you can't bitch. (Unless you are stuck in Baltimore and from a state with no close races.)
Posted by mrbrent at 05:19 PM
November 03, 2006
elections only hit me when they're drunk
News is flying, and I'm too busy to do anything but pay attention. Perhaps this is a bad indication of the state of affairs, but I have the same feelings of anxiety and restlessness leading up to elections that I have leading up to my team playing in the Super Bowl.Of course, when my team loses, kids don't continue to get sent to a useless war, and civilians don't drown in their attics.
But yeah, I'm nervous, and I don't trust the predictions. Fuckers own the voting machines, and I think that we can all stop associating a tin foil hat with that concept. When your political party's central tenet is the acquisition and perpetuation of power, no silly thing like a Constitution is going to stand in anyone's way.
So, deep inside, I'm hopeful -- hopeful that if the fuckers do fix some elections, they do it in a manner brazen enough to warrant investigation, prosecution, pitchforks, torches, etc.
In the meantime, did you know that Dilbert runs a Weasel Awards? Ain't that the cutest little thing? See, Americans, do like to vote!
Posted by mrbrent at 02:52 PM
November 02, 2006
boo
No, I did not do anything Halloweeny. My costume devising really peaked in the late 70s when I went as the Empire State Building, even taking considering my brief flirtation with "conceptual" costumes in the mid 90s (oh, the Cacophony). By now I can't even muster the smart-ass response to, "What are you supposed to be dressed as?" like I used to be. Not even a, "Your Mom," as I realized that, now that I have friends whose mothers have passed, the funny kind of trickled out of that one.So no. I played some pool, and then I watched me some Food Network.
But, I still do believe in the scary and the horrifying in connection with your general Halloween/All Soul's Day vicinity, and so I offer you a genuinely scarifying piece of short fiction.
It's short. You'll like it.
Posted by mrbrent at 10:59 AM
November 01, 2006
please wrap flag tighter
So that little kerfluffle over John Kerry had some legs. Who could have guessed that the Administration would want to change the subject so urgently?It's heartening to see that the President thinks that Kerry's leaden joke is the most important issue facing the country. I guess that Bush's overriding support of the troops forced him to speak truth to powerless.
Coincidentally, while the television news interests are following this important and breaking story, yesterday US Forces abandoned a missing soldier under the orders of the Iraqi Prime Minister. I wish that were an exaggeration, but the PM ordered checkpoints surrounding Sadr City dismantled. US forces complied.
I don't want to comment on the implications of the story as far as the occupation goes -- I am a pretty bad armchair general. I just want to stress that this story is in no way more important than the errant words of a man who is not running for office. (And the resulting very, very genuine outrage. Outrage! At said errant words.)
U-S-A! U-S-A!
Posted by mrbrent at 09:07 AM