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December 23, 2004

bring it on

Final word on Christmas in the Titivil household: bring it on.  I was at the stores at 8 this morning, man.  With a smile on my face and a wallet burning holes in my man-bag.  Was that exactly the right gizmo?  Fuck it, and ho ho ho, throw me that gift receipt, will you, my good man?  I am going to burn this Christmas shit down the way my forebears taught me, the American way: buying goods and services for all the good little boys and girls.

And I hope you join me.

And a special shout out to Mr. You-Know-Who-You-Are, who emailed me three times this morning.  I had no idea that Yukos was looking to launder 450 million dollars!  I only hope my meager checking account can handle that kind of load!

To the malls, my brothers and sisters!

Posted by mrbrent at 10:13 AM

December 22, 2004


Below please find response from Kev in the UK to the mysterious foreboding X-Mas is bringing this year;
Hey, fear not.

In the Right-On Republic of the UK, the metaphysical diversity capital of the world were every thing is equal, Local Authorities negotiate with sensitivity whether it should be mentioned that Christmas (Christ Mass) should be referred to as a Christian festival at all, just in case it should offend our non-christian communities.  (Note: there has never been any evidence of any religious minority objecting to the Christian festival, but much hand-wringing from white atheistic middle-class well-meaning vegetarians who THINK they're atoning for the sins of Empire by airbrushing Christmas from the calendar.)  Hence, left Authorities issue "Happy FESTIVAL" cards.  They do all the other festivals mind you: Ede, Divalli, Passover, Splob, whatever.  It's just the white religion they're embarrassed about.  Actually that's Prostestantism they're really concerned about, as Catholicism is Irish, and all those others from the third world.  Yeh, lets just gang up on the Baptists. Oh, but that might segregate the Welsh; and they have their own language which was surpressed by the English!  Oh Fuck.

That reminds me -- when did the Catholics start getting a free ride?  Or the Bapists, for that matter?  When I was young and insignificant, the one voice that Christians spoke with was "we don't get along with each other".  The concept of the Papists and the Foot-washers agreeing with each other is a very scary idear indeed.

I may be exaggerating the influence of the Catholics in the Christian Right, but I do so only for comic effect.  Imagine Episopalians.  Whatever.  Happy Splob.

Posted by mrbrent at 12:08 PM

December 21, 2004


Just bwah.

Posted by mrbrent at 5:23 PM

apparently earth is in retrograde

To distill casual conversations from over the past two weeks, it's unanimous: the Holiday Season this year is forty-five percent less fun than years past.  Both greeting cards and parties have dwindled to a trickle.  As we say around the Titivil household, this sucks.

Preliminary conversations have begun to determine the cause of this year-end moodsuck.  Early candidates include the passing of loved ones and shitbird petty crime (an epidemic in certain Brooklyn locales).  A particularly intriguing possibility is the seige laid upon the holidays by certain religious conservatives.  By turning Christmas into the next battleground for the brittle feelings of hysterical Christians, a giant fun-siphon has been loosed and the damage is incalculable.  Obviously depressing.  Me, I submit that the outcome of the presidential election has cast a country-wide pall that should last well past the inauguration.  For those of us that opposed reelection, the shellshock of having reason and good-sense trampled by the stampede of the manipulated has left the taste washed out of our mouths but good.  And for the non-zealot Bush voters, the creeping realization that the continued quagmire in Iraq and the persistence dark economic outlook were validated by their vote must be giving them a man-sized case of the willies.

I could be wrong.  Avocational hazard.

But, here!  Have this!  [Via Kung-Fu Monkey]  You laugh now.

Posted by mrbrent at 10:51 AM

December 20, 2004

yahoo is my crutch, i mean writing exercise

Today the Yahoo Box O' Headlines seems a little bit more snarky than usual:
• Iraq PM: Rebels want to cause civil war

No, they just want that five bucks Allawi owes them.  Gimme a fucking break.

As long as the thrust of international (and domestic) journalism is harvesting soundbites from the prepared remarks of heads of states as opposed to reporting on the ground about things that actually happen, we can reduce every last headline to this: "[Political BigWig][avers][crackheaded sentiment]"  Fortunately, now that we are in the age of the internets, the [avers] value can be shortened into a colon.

I keep trying to be optimistic and it's just not working.  I'm not trying to kill Christmas any more than the next guy, so I thought that maybe a brave smile looking forward would be enough to face the future with.  But I sadly suspect that it is not to be.

Case in point, I really thought this bit dug up by Kevin Drum was extraordinarily illuminative, and therefore predictably under the radar.  Yes, the rest of the world, i.e. the other five and three quarters billion people on the planet, think that we are hypocritical and irrelevent.  Perhaps they are watching idly, bemused at America's slo-mo spontaneous combustion.  I dunno, I haven't gotten around to talking to all five and three quarters billion of 'em.

And they may be just a bunch a ferriners that can go eat cheese with the French, but it's important to remember not only that they are world citizens just like we are, but, more directly, they outnumber us, you stupid, stupid people.  The global naivite of Americans is really about as good a reason to fall off the wagon as any, if you ask me.

This merits pages more words than I'm giving it, but it's time to go shopping, so, let's just say that "it makes me real mad."

Posted by mrbrent at 5:28 PM

this and that equal jibba jabba

Forecast for today: partly whiny!  Yeah, it's the first actually cold day of the season here in the Northeast U.S., and co-workers are angry at things like the wind, ice and cold in general.  It's a Petulantalooza!

Meanwhile, the NYTimes delighted me this morning, as the Metro section gave me a story about a guy losing his wallet on B1, and a story about some people giving a party for a dog on B3.  It must've been "Take Your Moron To Work and Let Them File Your Stories" day at the Gray Lady.

And Karl Rove watches eagerly as election officials are murdered in Iraq by "freedom hatas" -- or "insurgents", or "counter-liberators of the liberation" or whatever we're supposed to call them -- taking notes for '08.

It's Christmastime, suckas!  Let's show some school spirit and get all egg-noggy!

Posted by mrbrent at 11:09 AM