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May 5, 2006

america's funniest al-zarqawi videos

Yesterday, US Command upped the ante in its war in Iraq against... well, against those people we're fighting against, I guess.  Previously unreleased footage of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi generally being an oaf was shown by the Pentagon, unveiling the new Department of Defense war strategy -- if you can't beat them, make fun of them and call them names.

That'll show 'em.  I predict a precipitous drop in Iraqi evildoer morale, punctuated with guffaws and knee-slapping.

Just wait 'til the DoD releases video of al-Zarqawi falling off a Segway and walking into a door.

If only they can find the elusive footage of Al-Zarqawi choking on a pretzel, then this war will be over.

(Yes, I hate America.  But I love a rainy night, so, whatcha gonna do?)

Posted by mrbrent at 10:40 AM

May 4, 2006

the terrah! the terrah!

Amidst this morning's headlines: TERROR ALERT!    ABC breaks the story yesterday, and then it hits the wires.  Even the redoubtable Matt Drudge gets his sap flowing: "U.S. Mass Transit On Alert..."

Obviously, millions of Americans have packed up the kids and pointed the station wagon for some place that has neither mass transit systems nor hurricanes, sagely heeding the wise words of the Department of Homeland Security.

But no.  Even the A.P. can't muster the gumption to fake it anymore.  The lead paragraph:

WASHINGTON - U.S. mass transit systems should remain alert against possible terror attacks, the Homeland Security Department said in a new warning that highlighted suspicious activity at unnamed European subway stations last fall.

(Yes, italics are mine.)

For the record, last fall was six to eight months ago.

I remember those rosey fake terror alerts of 2002 and 2003 (especially 2004!), and there was no way that a wire service was going to hamstring the terror alert in the lead paragraph.

Though I suppose further congrats are in order to Colbert.  Stephen, you got your own terror alert!

Posted by mrbrent at 9:53 AM

May 3, 2006

admin fiddles while you sneeze, die

The Yahoo! Headline Container says the darndest things:
• Chaos feared in U.S. pandemic flu plan

My friend, it took the Administration time and money to insert chaos into the birdflu plan, and all you can do is complain.

Of course, if you actually examine this birdflu plan, you see that it is a perfect example of the Bush Administration's efficacy in meeting the needs of a population.  To wit, the plan is to pretend like nothing happening until it's well too late, and then blame the Clinton Administration.  (If the blame doesn't stick, why, then, it's the Carter Administration's fault!)

It is not dissimilar to the old plan to deal with a hurricane hitting New Orleans, though officials are still refining the plan to target poor neighborhoods for ignoring/blaming.

Posted by mrbrent at 4:53 PM

stephen colbert

I would like to throw my two cents into my hat w/r/t Stephen Colbert.  (I find it's always best to address an issue a few days after it's been talked to death -- no need to waste time looking up links that way.)  Mr. Colbert has become a popular topic of conversation around the water coolers of the Internet (and in real life, too!) for his savaging of the Bush Administration and everyone else inside the Beltway at last Saturday's White House Press Correspondent's dinner.

It truly was an awesome sight.  Really.  If you haven't seen it, or at least read the transcript, go right now.

First, I'd like to edit some of the debate that has swirled.  This would specifically be the funny/not funny debate that is ticky-tacking between those whose feelings were hurt by Colbert and those whose spirits were lifted.  Obviously, those who disapprove of Colbert's performance weigh in on the "not funny" side.  Unfortunately, I'm deleting this eddy, this sub-argument, from the discourse.  It is irrelevant, and a waste of everyone's time.

Funny, sadly, is entirely subjective.  There is no objective arbiter of funny.  Hell, in some native American cultures, the number of completion is seven.  Seven!  As in, "Seven priests walk into a bar..."  Whether or not something is funny is not something to waste bandwidth on.  Instead, argue which Darren on "Bewitched" was better, or argue your favorite color.  (Dick York, green.)

Besides, if the best comeback you can come up with is, "It was stupid, it wasn't funny, Colbert bombed," then you are pretty much conceding defeat.  And yes, your lower lip quivering indicates that you are about to cry.

So no more hoo-hah about the inherent humor of Colbert's speech.  Focus on whether it was appropriate, or whether the accusations implied are accurate (does the President stage photo ops? did the Hindenburg have deck chairs?).  Or let's discuss whether Colbert's address was news or not.

Let's see.

A man not only gets within loogie-range of the most important man in the world but also says fifteen plus minutes of very hurtful (but true) things to said important man.  Without getting tackled and shackled by the Secret Service.  I'd say meets the most stringent definition of "news".  Period.

Of course, the President also spoke at this event.  With a dude that impersonates him.  They did a little "thinking out loud" routine.  It was "cute".  Now that's news, Elizabeth Bumiller.

Posted by mrbrent at 10:17 AM

May 2, 2006

down with law, loyalty

I thought yesterday was a success.  It was a day of law and loyalty, and also without immigrants.  (Or, 'an immigrant,' as I've seen in some places.)  And for once, everybody was happy -- all loyal, lawful and immigrantless!

Accordingly, since today is presumably with immigrants, I look forward to enjoying a day without law and loyalty.  Surely, the inverse relationship between immigrants, on the one hand, and law and loyatly, on the other, will keep us bouyed for months.

In Canada, every day is a day without law and loyalty.  That's why they cool.

Posted by mrbrent at 10:24 AM

May 1, 2006

happy law day

President Bush has decided that May 1 should forever be known as "Too Many Days Day".  In addition to the European happy (Western) sad (Eastern) May Day and the more recent, ominous Day Without Immigrants, the President has proclaimed May 1 as "Law Day".

From the proclamation:

Our system of separation of powers has safeguarded our liberties and helped ensure that we remain a government of laws.  Law Day is an occasion for us to celebrate our Constitution and to honor those in the judiciary and legal profession who work to uphold and serve its principles.

It reminds one of the office funny guy who makes the "jerking off" motion to his mates as he conducts a serious speaker-phone conversation.  Or maybe the "blowjob" motion.  Or even the "flick one's own nipples while strutting and crossing eyes" motion.

How do you suppose the President will celebrate Law Day?  Making coffee for Dick Cheney?  Wire-tapping Stephen Colbert?  "Deciding"?

Oh, right -- by breaking laws.

Maybe, if we're lucky, "Lawday!" will someday supplant "Mayday!" as the thing you say as your airplane is about to crash.

[LATER, BACK AT THE RANCH:]  Um, it seems that Law Day was not enough?  The Administration also proclaims May 1 as Loyalty Day?

Loyalty Day?

I'm having a hard time believing this.  Surely this was ginned up by some freaking intern.

[Via Wonkette.]

Posted by mrbrent at 12:53 PM

keith richards

Yes, I come late to Keith Richards.  It is only natural that Monk would beat me to it.  I would say that Monk has probably been writing monologue jokes for half his life just in case Keith Richards fell out of a palm tree while climbing to fetch a coconut.

Me, I've been waiting half my life just to type, "Keith Richards fell out of a palm tree while climbing to fetch a coconut."

Further, I'd like thank Mr. Richards, on behalf of "The Blogosphere", for providing content that rises above the political.  Yes, I believe that Red-Staters, Blue-Staters and even those nauseating Purple-Staters can all agree: Keith Richards fell out of a palm tree while climbing to fetch a coconut.

Posted by mrbrent at 9:57 AM