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September 7, 2007

please don't search this by "zombie rape olympics"

I would wish that someday Gawker's Alex Balk would someday forego the daily task of churning out his quota of gossipy ironical short-form content and concentrate instead on completing his very promising debut novel, "Zombie Rape Olympics".  Yes, it's a very bleak picture Balk paints, but, in case you're reading from outside the NYC area, it is not far from the truth.

And special bonus content: Hurricane!  I would start panicking, as my heart would move me, but then the terrorist weather would win again.

Posted by mrbrent at 3:58 PM

cained

I'm not devotee of the chill genre of music, but I know at least one person who is -- Michael Caine.

In fact, shake hands with Michael Caine's three record deal, in which Michael Caine chooses only the choicest chill for your musical relaxation.

Yes, that Michael Caine.

Michael Caine just got cooler than I could ever hope to be.  Now prepare for the inevitable Michael Caine oversaturation, kind of like Chuck Norris, but with a Cockney accent.

Posted by mrbrent at 11:34 AM

September 6, 2007

news bees can use

There is an update on the continuing mystery of the disappearing bees!  The latest bad guy that the scientists have identified: a virus.  "Israeli Acute Paralysis Virus" is what they call it (dunno why they had to drag Israel into this), and it was identified by comparing the genes of bees from CCD hives with the genes of non-disappearing bees.

Okay, so, the latest bad guy is boring.  We were hoping for the explanations of cell phone overuse, or maybe angry ghosts.  At the very least the scientists could've named the virus something a little more sinister, like "Ming The Merciless" or "Blackjack Mulligan".

Try harder, scientists.

Posted by mrbrent at 2:59 PM

fred wants to be the president of your tv

Fred Thompson announced that he is indeed running for president, ending months of, well, months of not caring much one way or the other.

In an unorthodox move, wealthy Hollywood actor Thompson announced on "The Tonight Show", proving that he is indeed smarter than you and I.  After all, what looks more presidential than sitting on a couch, craning your neck at an awkward angle so that the camera can see your big wrinkly mug while you appear to speak directly to the Leee-no?  What could inspire voters more than crossing your legs, giving the viewers at home a glimpse of your very presidential socks?

Thompson is not so much running for president as he is auditioning for the role of the President on a TV show, hopefully something dramatic so he can show his jowly range.

I predict that Thompson will also skip all the rest of the debates and instead become a contestant on "Dancing With The Stars", showing America that, for a big old drunk-lookin' guy, he's actually pretty light on his feet.

Posted by mrbrent at 11:32 AM

September 5, 2007

a hard question for the people of idaho

I don't live in Idaho, so this news is only of novel interest.  It is the people of Idaho, whom I must assume are good-natured, and possibly ruddy, who will have to live with the consequences of super not-gay Sen. Larry Craig's decision to welsh on his retirement:
Sen. Larry E. Craig (R-Idaho) is reconsidering his announced intention to resign, if he can clear his name of criminal and ethics charges before the end of the month, a spokesman said last night.

Now, if I was an Idahoan (Idahite?), Sen. Craig's criminal record would not be as disturbing as his explanation for waggling his hand under a bathroom stall partition towards an undercover cop -- Sen. Craig was just picking up a piece of paper.

Any man not smart enough to keep his hands off airport bathroom floors is decidedly not smart enough to be Senator.  And just how does that reflect on you, people of Idaho?  Exactly where do you put your hands in airport bathrooms?

Posted by mrbrent at 11:42 AM

September 4, 2007

clowns one, klan nothing

Here's a spot of the good news.  In Knoxville, TN, a Klan rally was stymied by counter-protesters.  And the counter-protesters, well, they were a bunch of clowns.
“White Power!” the Nazi’s tried once again in a doomed and somewhat funny attempt to clarify their message, “ohhhhhh!” the clowns yelled “Tight Shower!” and held a solar shower in the air and all tried to crowd under to get clean as per the Klan’s directions.

While I'm not advocating the prose style of the narrator there, I am advocating dressing up as clowns and mocking a bunch of White Separatists until they crawl back to whatever dead part of history they came from.

This shit should be sweeping the Internets like the fire that is wild, as there are some bad guys less obviously-evil (and less pinata-like) than the Klan, and they need to get clowned-up but hard.  (That is, until the Clown Action gets LOLcatted, in which event it's back to the drawing board.)

Keep rocking the rock of the righteous, Knoxville, TN.

Posted by mrbrent at 1:18 PM

blither blather

Nothing like a pleasant vacation to make everything seem less novel.  Sure, yesterday the president got confused and thought it was Thanksgiving, and Senator Larry Craig decided that he was too not-gay for Congress, and then there's the whole fool me, fool me... won't get fooled again.  Bummer.  But dude, we got these radishes from a friend's farm that are as big as a baby's head!  In fact, bigger than the head of the baby referenced by Griz all the time -- I know this for a fact!  I saw the little punkin with my own lyin' eyes on Sunday!

Anyhoo, it's all back-to-school time, and once I shave the vacation-beard off, I'm sure that looming war in Iran will elicit a more entertaining response.

Posted by mrbrent at 12:00 PM